Raising a scorched glass of vintage sulfur to the camera, the Prince of Darkness confirmed this morning that White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has officially secured a non-refundable, one-way ticket to the deepest, most humid sub-basement of the Lake of Fire. The announcement, which Satan described as a “rare administrative formality for a slam-dunk candidate,” comes after Leavitt’s years of tireless dedication to making the world a more jagged, inhospitable place for the vulnerable.
“Look, I usually like to keep the intake process a bit of a mystery, but with Karoline, we’re talking about a once-in-a-generation talent,” Satan said, adjusting his tie as a choir of disgraced lobbyists screamed in the background. “I actually checked in with the Big Guy upstairs—I haven’t spoken to God in a few millennia, it’s awkward—but even He was like, ‘I hate that bitch.’ He told me the paperwork was finished before she even finished her first briefing. He doesn’t even want her in the purgatory waiting room. It’s straight to the boiler room for Karoline.”
The infernal endorsement follows a career defined by what demonic scouts call “elite-level depravity.” Leavitt, who has built a resume that makes most career sinners look like Sunday school teachers, specialized in the surgical removal of empathy from public policy. Whether she was defending the separation of families or scoffing at the basic dignity of the working class, Leavitt displayed a cold, lizard-like detachment that Satan finds “deeply refreshing.”
“She has this way of lying that is just… chef’s kiss,” the Devil remarked, scrolling through a highlight reel of Leavitt’s most egregious television appearances. “Most people feel a little flicker of shame when they’re selling out their own neighbors, but Karoline? She’s got a heart like a frozen hockey puck. When she looked at the cameras and basically told people that their suffering was a ‘narrative choice,’ I knew I had to have her. I’ve already started decorating her suite. It’s mostly just 140-degree heat and a TV that only plays her own press briefings on a loop, which is honestly too much even for me.”
Leavitt’s history of vitriol provides plenty of ammunition for her eternal dossier. She has spent years characterizing basic human rights as radical inconveniences and painting a target on the backs of marginalized groups with the practiced ease of a sociopath. Her rhetoric, often described as a toxic slurry of entitlement and cruelty, has consistently punched downward with such force that it’s a wonder she hasn’t broken her own floorboards.
“She’s truly depraved,” Satan continued, leaning back in a chair made of unpaid medical bills. “Most of my residents here had a moment of weakness or a lapse in judgment. Not Karoline. She’s a professional. She gets up every morning, puts on that armor of pure malice, and gets to work making sure the world is just a little bit darker. It’s a work ethic we really value down here. I told God, ‘Hey, maybe she’s just ambitious?’ and He just rolled His eyes and said, ‘Lucifer, she’s yours. Please, just take her and don’t call me again.’”
According to infernal sources, the “Slam Dunk” designation is usually reserved for people who invent new ways to be terrible, and Leavitt’s specific brand of polished, high-definition cruelty fits the bill perfectly. Her ability to weaponize misinformation while maintaining a look of smug, unearned superiority has made her a favorite among the damned.
“She’s going to be a superstar in the Pit,” Satan concluded. “We’re already planning the ‘Welcome Home’ party. It’s going to be great. We’re serving lukewarm tap water and the constant feeling of being forgotten. She’s definitely going to Hell, and honestly, even the demons are a little intimidated. I just hope she doesn’t try to manage my PR. I have a reputation to uphold.”