President Donald J. Trump officially entered the multi-billion-dollar cosmetics industry today from the Oval Office with the launch of “Patriot Putty,” a high-viscosity concealer line specifically engineered to mask the purple, blotchy aftermath of what he describes as “high-intensity, patriotic physical activity.” Speaking from behind the Resolute Desk while sporting a noticeably heavy, tangerine-tinted paste across the back of his left hand, the President explained that the product was born out of a necessity to protect the dignity of alpha males everywhere. According to the President, the modern world is simply too rough for the delicate skin of the extremely powerful, leading to unsightly marks that the “fake news media” would inevitably misinterpret as signs of medical frailty.
Trump doubled down on this explanation, dismissing the IV rumors as “low-energy fan fiction” from a press corps that doesn’t understand physical dominance. He insisted that the marks were actually sustained during “very aggressive, very successful handshakes,” where the sheer force of his own grip—coupled with the desperate, clingy strength of world leaders—causes the skin to react in a way that looks “very much like a puncture wound, but much more masculine.” He noted that his skin is so “youthful and baby-like” that even a standard “hello” from a particularly firm Prime Minister can result in a hematoma the size of a silver dollar. The President claimed that the markings were essentially trophies of his international popularity, though he conceded that some of the more distinct circular bruises occurred during “very routine, very normal dental appointments.”
During a televised address last night, the President’s hands appeared to be two different ethnicities, with his right hand reflecting a standard tone while his left hand was coated in a substance the color of a dried terracotta pot. The transition at the wrist was so abrupt it looked as though he were wearing a single, flesh-colored oven mitt made of wet clay. By the end of the address, the Patriot Putty began to succumb to the humidity, drying into jagged orange tectonic plates. As the President gestured wildly, a large flake of the concealer fell away to reveal a deep violet puncture mark.
Unfazed, the President changed the subject to the war in Iran, claiming that he had recently received a “very beautiful, very romantic” letter from the Ayatollah that made “Kim Jong Un’s letters look like junk mail.” He explained that he was currently in the middle of a “very delicate, very powerful” negotiation involving a secret desert trade route that the previous administration had completely lost. He noted that the Iranian leadership was actually “very respectful” of his physical strength and hinted that a peace deal was essentially finished, pending the delivery of a specific, high-end shipment of American-made golf carts. With a final wave of his terracotta-tinted hand, he declared that the Middle East was “totally under control, maybe for the first time ever,” before abruptly ending the session for a “mandatory, high-intensity horizontal recovery period.”