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Trump Launches ‘Patriot Putty’ to Mask Hand Bruises Left by ‘Very Strong’ Handshakes
President Donald J. Trump officially entered the multi-billion-dollar cosmetics industry today from the Oval Office with the launch of “Patriot Putty,” a high-viscosity concealer line specifically engineered to mask the purple, blotchy aftermath of what he describes as “high-intensity, patriotic physical activity.” Speaking from behind the Resolute Desk while sporting a noticeably heavy, tangerine-tinted paste…