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AI Slop of the Day: Saving Epstein Clients – May 20th, 2026
Steven Spielberg, after a successful career making historical epics, brings us a new, very different kind of film. Here, a heroic Captain (Donald Trump) leads his trusted team (Kash Patel, Pete Hegseth, and Dan Bongino) on a dangerous operation: navigating a political minefield to keep the private client list of a problematic financier safely out…
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Trump Launches ‘Patriot Putty’ to Mask Hand Bruises Left by ‘Very Strong’ Handshakes
President Donald J. Trump officially entered the multi-billion-dollar cosmetics industry today from the Oval Office with the launch of “Patriot Putty,” a high-viscosity concealer line specifically engineered to mask the purple, blotchy aftermath of what he describes as “high-intensity, patriotic physical activity.” Speaking from behind the Resolute Desk while sporting a noticeably heavy, tangerine-tinted paste…
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President Achieves Total Victory Over Wokeness by Not Being Awake During Most Recent Cabinet Meeting
In a move that political strategists are calling a masterstroke of literalism, the President officially declared the era of wokeness dead this morning by drifting into a profound, mouth-breathing slumber less than four minutes into a high-level briefing. The achievement, punctuated by a soft, rhythmic snoring that drowned out a report on failing infrastructure, has…
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Klarna to Introduce New 400 Installment Payment Plan
Klarna has unveiled the future of American finance: a 400 installment payment plan, clearly inspired by Trump’s new proposal that Americans should be able to take out 50-year mortgages to buy a home. Banks looked at a nation already drowning in student loans and medical debt and said, “What if we let them pay for…