Klarna has unveiled the future of American finance: a 400 installment payment plan, clearly inspired by Trump’s new proposal that Americans should be able to take out 50-year mortgages to buy a home. Banks looked at a nation already drowning in student loans and medical debt and said, “What if we let them pay for things longer than the house actually stands?” Klarna saw that and said, “Hold my app.” Now you can buy luxury items with payments so tiny they feel harmless—until you realize you’ll be paying them off longer than your attention span has existed. The newest Nike Air Jordans, normally $180, will now be available for just $0.45 a month over 400 months. You can have the hottest sneakers today, and still be paying for them well into your retirement community years, when “fresh kicks” refers to orthopedic Velcro trainers.
And it doesn’t stop there. Can’t afford lunch? Introducing: the McFlurry Lifetime Subscription Plan—just $0.03 a month until death! Because in America, when prices go up, we don’t fix the problem, we just stretch the payments until everyone forgets math ever existed. Financial experts call these developments “the economic equivalent of covering a collapsing ceiling with posters and hoping no one looks up,” but corporations insist they “empower consumers to buy things they absolutely, mathematically cannot afford.” And if you die before the balance is paid off? No worries. Your children can inherit your debt like a treasured family heirloom. Enjoy the Jordans. Only 399 payments to go.